On the 20th of August, 2006, in the silent wilderness of the National/Misc roleplay forum, a potentially historic event took place, far from the eyes of most of the world. The press from the Eastern European nation of Fine released a statement:
Declaration of Verbal War[]
Bloodshed must stop, say aid agencies
Emik Wiceo, the president of the great east european enclave of Fine, today decared a war of words on the nation of The Kingdom of the Isles.
The war was declared after a small Finean boy was shocked when a holidaying royal statesman from the Siberian kingdom "mouthed off" when the boy could not give directions to a toilet in time.
The press conference was also attended by deaf-blind-mute Fine Minister Luca Collorini, who of course observed proceedings through a "taste language" translator.
Wiceo: "This war is one of words so that lives will not be lost, except old farts who intensely dislike arguments."
In accordance with the Geneva convention, foul language will not be used.
Fine's literary forces are currently at their type-writers, preparing long, boring hate-speeches.
Luca Collorini (translated): "We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them on the landing grounds, we will fight them in the hills--we shall never surrender."
Wiceo: "We urge all other nations who have in the past been damaged by the facist, corrupt, and oh so very UNFINE government of the Kingdom of the Isles to join in this verbal barrage."
International aid organisations have condemned the war. "Just because no one dies doesn't mean no-one gets hurt. After all, sticks and stones may break my bones -- and words can hurt, too."
The initial strategy of the Kingdom was to ignore this, after all, unlike physical war, in verbal wars both sides must want to fight. Some rumours have stated that the Kingdom never actually noticed the declaration, but they have been met with sceptisism.
Eventually, after four days, the Kingdom responded. The Kingdom's leading daily newspaper wrote this:
Today, King Tuor du Isles returned the threats, and send a warning message to Emik Wiceo, informing him that "We will fight you on the hydroslides, we will fight you in the ice-cream parlours and we will fight you at the stripclubs - we will never surrender - unless you offer us either women or money, either will be accepted."
When the claim was refused, the war began, with Tuor and his advisor, Lord Arcad, began typing furious messages to the filth that is Wiceo, illuminating the flaws in his "nation" and revealing they knew why the Fineans have a "she'll be right" attitude...the truth is they are all high on marijuana.
The Finean state media responded angrily, although they never rejected the claims that they used recreational drugs:
In an official statement from the Finean government, a spokesman accused the citizens of The Kingdom of the Isles of being the most lazy, boring, evil people in the cyberverse.
When asked about the accusation that Fineans are high on drugs, the spokesman simply stared blankly into space before collapsing on the ground. He is currently in a stable condition at the Igo General Hospital, but he has the distinction of being the first casualty of the war.
Fine Minister Luca Collorini has swung a cheap shot at the Kingdom's government system, pointing out in his special taste language that that a system which allows a cabbage to be crowned King, and currently has a lemon-cheese cake sixth in line for the throne, must be a really, really crap system.
"It is ironic that while the Kingdoms sytem of government allows items of food to be crowned monarch, but not women."
The war continued. Prince Feanor du Isles agreed that his nation was evil, but refused to admit to being lazy and boring. Then, in the most daring exercise of the war, Fine controversially, and allegadly illegally, dropped ten thousand pamphlets in an air raid. They read as follows:
Citizens of The Kingdom of the Isles, your government is boring, corrupt, lazy and mildly evil. The nation of Fine is fine on all these fronts. Come live in Fine, the fine country. Or overthrow your government and insert instead a Fine style government. The king will soon be captured by and tried before international courts on charges of being evil. Take your chance! While he is away, convert the castle, and all that the king and his government owns, into a car yard. May the post-kingdom days be less crap than the terrible conditions that you currently endure. Start as soon as the King is captured.
The people of the Kingdom instantly took over the royal palace, despite the fact that the King had not left, and was still in it. He simply woke up in the morning to find himself not in his unbeleivably comfortable royal bed, but underneath a badly neglected car dripping oil into his mouth. Angry and very ill, he resolved to keep the conflict verbal. However, his less eloquent son, Prince Feanor du Isles, swore revenge.
What he did was widely said to be in breach of the purely verbal nature of the war. He kidnapped Finean President Emik Wiceo, and sent a ransom note:
To the government of Fine,
We have your president. I know this should be a verbal war, but we have decided to take action. That palace was my home!
If you ever wish to see your leader again alive, drop three million marks at Catala Point and the next day we will leave Wiceo there. If not, we will leave rather his head at Catala Point.
Feanor
Fortunately, no harm came to Wiceo, as his release was negotiated in return for "A basket of fudge, truffles and an antique typewriter."
Rumours that his tongue were cut off were proved false. The Prince denied allegations that he had kidnapped Wiceo, but VFD informants have assertained that although he didn't do the deed personally, it was his idea.
A day later, a ceasefire was called, as everyone had school exams. For four days there was peace, except for one small skirmish between the linguistic armies near Lubin.
When the war restarted, on the 30th of August, Fine had changed. Boring and uncontroversial President Emik Wiceo had stepped down, and the popular deaf-blind-mute Fine Minister, Luca Collarini had taken over the top job. Gilga Fradforsons took over as Fine Minister, to the dismay of the Finean Christian Church.
The Kingdom again delayed their response. Before they could enter the war, another nation declared their support for The Kingdom. Helina never officially declared war, but it was widely accepted that they were in the war.
The Kingdom then attacked Fine with propaganda. Their next post contained no downright lies, but a lot of exaggeration and speculation:
TUOR: "My agents have tracked down the origins of the name Fine. It is in fact an acronym invented in June by one Willipert Wondolastic, meaning 'Freakishly Idiotic Nuked Elephants'. Finally the truth can he revealed the Freakishly Idiotic Nuked Elephants And Naked Swahilis [Fineans].
Also, the citizens of the Isles pointed and laughed at the self-proclaimed nation of Fine, saying that if their only reaction to the attack by Feanor is to deny everything and lie to their citizens, they must be led by a really crap President. Some even said that Wiceo was at least original, if not intelligent, cunning or anything else for that matter...
The people of the Isles danced through the Isles today and sung to the spokesman from Fine, "My life is brilliant, your life's a joke. You're just pathetic, you're always broke. You're suffering from delusions of adequecy...YOU'RE PITIFUL, YOU'RE PITIFUL, YOU'RE PITIFUL, IT'S TRUE. NEVER HAD A DATE THAT YOU COULDN'T INFLATE, AND YOU SMELL REPULSIVE TOO - WHAT A BUMMER BEING YOU."
The Finean was reported to have fled back to Igo with tears flowing down his cheeks after the truth of his life, and of Luca Collorini's, was revealed and shouted to the heavens by the Kingdom people. Prince Feanor was reputed to have laughed aloud at hearing this, remembering from his past visits to Fine of questionable legality, how the Finean music was always so serious and boring.
Soon afterwards, after a short but vicious sideshow between Fine and the nation Helina, the Kingdom bizarely gave up the war, despite the fact that most neutrals agreed they were winning. The war ended, because, in the words of Luca Collorini, "Unlike physical wars, both sides need to want to fight in verbal wars."
So Fine won the war, but in the most unsatisfactory of circumstances. The Kingdom of the Isles, meanwhile, built a huge wall around their nation, three kilometres in from the border. They completely shut themselves out from the world(Except from the nation of Helina). It is worth noting that only one person from the Kingdom has since been outside this wall, and that is Prince Feunor du Isles, who spends half his life hanging out in a bar in Rome with a sharpened knife hidden in his pocket.
Experts agree that The Kingdom has shot itself in the foot in losing this war, and that Fine were very lucky to win it. While the Kingdom struggles to trade with other nations due to the high cost of throwing resources over the wall at prospective partners, Fine is prospering, with a new school being recently opened in Igo.
It is worth noting that the Kingdom has not yet lost the war - there has been no resignation or ceasefire - the Fineans have merely given up their assault. For several months, tensions are now rising again. Watch this space.